Trump, Sessions, Schumer, and Feinstein Team Up to Take Bump-Stock-Type Shooting Ban to Another Level – Use of Belt Loops and “Fast Fingers” to become Illegal



(Washington, DC) — The Trump Administration has announced a bi-partisan plan to ban what is being called “illegal fast shooting.” President Trump Tweeted, “Our administration is working to protect children, and in addition to banning un-great and un-awesome bump stocks, we will be regulating the use of fast fingers and other items like belt loops, but we will be preserving your second amendment, as there’s no one who loves the second amendment like me.”

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was quick to add, “I have directed the BATFE to use social media and YouTube to identify fast shooters and compile a list so that they can be informed of our intention to ban fast shooting, regardless of whether an object is used to assist in rate of fire or just a fast finger.”

Using world champion shooter Jerry Miculek as an example, Senator Diane Feinstein stated that she would take the legislation even further: “What the American public does not realize is that these fast shooters have years of training, which will not go away. I’m not suggesting a lobotomy at this time, but these individuals should be given the option of having their tendons severed, and if found in violation a second time, amputation. Let me be clear, I am not for registration of fingers, only a ban.”

Senator Charles Schumer stated that, “The skills held by Miculek and others are a danger to our society. We cannot have gun owners walking the streets, picking up their children and grandchildren at school, and shopping at the mall with the ability to fire eight shots from a revolver in a second, or 27 rounds in 3.7 seconds out of a 9mm semi-auto pistol, or to shoot a semi-auto AR-15 faster than a full-auto M-16, as Miculek does. This type of skill and behavior should be illegal and I, as well as Dianne, thank President Trump for his bipartisan leadership to rid the nation of bump stocks and fast fingers.”

Famous tattoo and TV personality Kat Von D, responded saying, “While I am against hunting, a registration program by which millions of gun owners would have to get their fingers tattooed with serial numbers for trigger-finger registration would help thousands of struggling tattoo studios across America.”

Regarding the other side of the crisis of fast shooting, CEO of Levi Strauss, Chip Bergh, stated, “Although we have no problem with strict gun control, the belt-loops on our jeans do supply a need of keeping the pants up. Belt loops should only be used as intended, and any misuse of belt loops should be strictly punished. We will not support any legislation which calls for the banning of belt-loops at the three o’clock or nine o’clock position. Levi Strauss does not endorse shooting guns while wearing Levi’s blue jeans, and I’m not even sure if this has been done in the past.”

It has been shocking for some Americans to find that almost full-auto rates of fire can be produced with a semi-auto rifle simply by inserting a thumb through a trigger guard and then hooking the thumb on a belt loop, while holding a semi-auto rifle at one’s side. CNN went to Billy Bob’s Gun Emporium in Jupiter, Alabama, to find out just how long this belt-loop phenomenon has been going on. “The establishment is very intimidating with all kinds of Americana, Don’t Tread on Me flags, dummy hand grenades, assault weapons, and big guys in overalls,” said the CNN reporter.  When asked about bump firing, Billy Bob stated, “We’ve been bump firing ever since I was a kid in the early ’70s! Hell, this is America, last time I checked!” When asked to demonstrate how to bump fire with a belt loop, Mr. Bob responded, “Here, reporter man, pull my finger!” followed by the sound of someone who’d eaten too much cabbage for lunch, and hysterical laughter from Mr. Bob and his employees. No more information was gathered for that news segment.

Republican Senator Marco Rubio suggested that possibly we could keep belt loops on pants, but that gun owners could have them registered, adding: “As a Republican who believes in job creation, allowing belt loops to be registered would bring in thousands of jobs, not only to clothing manufacturers, who would need seamstresses to embroiderer serial numbers on them, but it would also increase jobs in the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, with registration clerk increases.”

Senator Ted Cruz responded in a Tweet, “You can have my belt loop when you pry it off my cold, dead ass.” Other Republican senators and congressman said they are ready to “look at all options on the table” and would be happy to organize town hall meetings at JOANN fabric stores across the country. Florida Governor and senate hopeful Rick Scott suggested that sewing machines could be registered, and the age to buy a sewing machine could be raised to 21. Ohio Governor John Kasich appeared on CNN and added: “Why can’t gun owners just wear spandex? The belt loop issue would then go away, and they could connect to their feminine side, which would decrease their need to be a Rambo.”

Dave Weiner, a representative for Democrats for Reasonable Gun Ownership, stated that if a violator of fast firing could prove after five years that they could be trusted again, repair surgery of the severed tendon could restore the gun owner’s ability to fire again.

Dr. Oscar Meyer of the American Society for the Surgery of the Hand (  states that Weiner is full of baloney. “Anyone in the medical profession, as well as in sports medicine, knows that when a tendon is severed, almost all function of that finger is eliminated,” he asserts.  Although Mr. Weiner ignored Dr. Meyer’s response, he went on to say, “We hope to have this legislation passed before our annual December 18th banquet, which this year, marks 140 years since the birth of Joseph Stalin.”

On Friday, March 30, NRA spokesperson Wayne LaPierre stated, “The NRA is steadfastly involved with protecting Americans’ right to hunt and to have a gun for self-defense.” When asked about America’s Founding Fathers’ intention for individual citizens to personally own military arms to defend themselves against tyranny and genocide from a despotic government as a God-given right, LaPierre had no direct answer but stated: “We have framed and matted Bill of Rights prints on sale now in our gift shop.” The NRA is also not in favor of Senator Feinstein’s finger amputation proposal, but is in favor of expanded background checks for people with fingers.

On Saturday, members of Gun Owners of America began a photo campaign on Twitter and Facebook in response to Sen. Feinstein, whereby members are showing their middle finger while holding an “assault weapon” with their opposite hand. The photo’s caption reads, “Amputate this!”

More tomorrow, when former President Barak Obama explains to FOX News anchor Shepard Smith why Americans don’t need a trigger finger.

(Happy April Fools’ Day!)

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  1. I am SO damned tired of this type of (do something ANYTHING just so we can say we did “something”) BS. Read the constitution. It clearly states the PEOPLE have the RIGHT to KEEP and BEAR arms, NO caveat allowing ANY manipulation what so ever. Regulating, banning, permitting, requiring anything is blatantly infringing PERIOD. The supreme court is NOT there to support illegal political agendas, so ANY ruling dictating any control efforts are in any way legal are invalid. The justification for these BAD and illegal rulings are completely based on twisting the meaning and words used in the constitution. ANY person claiming to be American and supports this deliberate and criminal idea that rights are NOT inviolate is both lying to themselves AND the rest of the country.

    1. I agree totally. Nobody has the right to “ban” fingers, belt loops, bump stocks, cranks, or anything that can increase the rate of fire on a gun of ANY kind. Just because a bunch of kids mislead by their teachers yell for more gun control (teachers should be completely apolitical in the schools they work in, they should keep their personal political beliefs to themselves, not push these beliefs in the classroom). Little do these students realize, the Second Amendment doesn’t mention firearm accessories for a reason, it would be like banning powder horns and bullets from the “possibles bag” the citizens carried back in the day. Also, our Bill of Rights in the Constitution should remain untouched as if it was WRITTEN IN STONE. I’m sick to death of these people who spoke an oath to “preserve, protect and defend” the Constitution AS IT WAS WRITTEN running roughshod over our rights to persecute millions of gun owners just to please a few thousand Constitutionally illiterate kids who may in the future bitterly regret their choices now. The anti-gun Congressmen have broken their oaths of office, and should be impeached immediately for being “oathbreakers”. I dare Pelosi/Feinstein/Schumer to cut off MY fingers, they will regret trying.

      1. In Canada we recently had a collage teachers union who went on strike mandated back to work or face prosecution. The students were a big part of the government’s agenda stating they wanted teachers back to work now. The irony is those students are forcing the teachers to give up their constitutional right to strike. I wonder how many of these students will work to strike themselves one day? Funny how things can come back to bite you in the ass.

    2. Levis ? not a problem,I ceremoniously burned every pair the wife and I owned in the early 90″s after I heard about their donations and support for Handgun Control Inc.

      1. DAVID. I did exactly the same thing. I will NEVER own ANY item of LEVI. When I searched for expanded information and learned ,THEY OWN DOCKERS. — OUT TO THE BURN PILE went PANTS, SHOES and 2 belts. I love to SMELL BAR-B-QUE on the pit,BUT , that burn pile , THAT DAY had a SWEET AROMA.
        ANOTHER GOOD FEELING is when I receive ANY thing from AARP
        ( ANTI-AMERICAN-REGURGITATED-POPPYCOCK) , I use their POSTAGE FREE envelope, FILL it with ALL the HEAVY TRASH PAPER I can CRAM into it, Address it with my personal AARP designation
        (SEE ABOVE) and happily send it to them to PAY THE POSTAGE.
        I have NEVER given that GUN-HATING cabal ONE THIN DIME ,and NEVER WILL. I am active in 4 LARGE groups and have KILLED MANY subscribers for them.

          1. I don,t buy levis never have don’t like them and even more now got a couple things giving to me as gifts am going to start wearing them when working on car or truck wont take to long before wife will trash them then

    3. There will always be a criminal. So there will always be a 2nd Amendment person to defend it🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

  2. I certainly hope this article is a “spoof” job!
    Otherwise, when you come to cut off my fingers I will have a surprise for you!

    1. Me too Bob but these politicians now especially Feinstein and Schumer are so dam stupid you cannot put anything off the table! Next they will want to cut off your legs so you cannot carry a gun!!

    2. It clearly said “Happy April Fool’s Day” below the article. I knew it was satire when I saw “Ban fast fingers.”

  3. Entertaining, yet scary. Legislation tomorrow is born of today’s mocking. Remember, they have no original ideas, not to mention common sense. Be careful what ideas you give the idiots and useful idiots.

    1. Much of the funny side of this spoof comes directly from legitimate comments filed under the public comment period for the ATF’s nonsense idea that they have been wrong about bump stocks ever since they were first marketed and only now have figured out that they are magically illegal. Specifically people have correctly pointed out that bump firing was common long before the first bump stock and can still be accomplished without any special accessories.

      1. TomC – they have NOT only now figured out that bump stocks (or shoe strings or rubber bands or ‘fast fingers’) are now “magically illegal” – for once the original ruling by atf was correct – a specific technique (which is what bump firing truly is) does NOT change the internal mechanism and make it “automatic” by the legal definition. What they are trying to do is redefine that definition to make it ‘appear’ illegal.

  4. Mr. Trump says there is no supporter of the 2nd amendment like him? I would remind him what the 2nd amendment is supposed to be for and that is so we the people have the means to go up against a corrupt government and we cannot do that if we get regulated to sling shots while the government has every weapon dreamed of can we now? This is total bullshit for it is the FBI and that phony sheriff that have continually failed and they need to quit blaming guns for they sure don’t seem to blame cars, trucks and planes when used to kill! Now Sessions is going to do what Obama did and spy on us through social media and i am beginning to see no difference in the regimes. They just passed gun control in my state of Florida controlled by so called 2nd amendment leaders and they all have lost my vote for good.

  5. Just shows how stupid these damn politicians are! They talk but cannot be trusted! They will not be happy till they have all the law abiding regulated for everything they do with a firearm. THeir goal is to disarm Americans! Remember what they told Native Americans! TURN IN YOUR GUNS THE GOVERNMENT WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU! We sure can see where that got them! The Second Amendment has been raped to where there is not much left now,before this new onslaught! Government did not do their jobs with the laws on the books now and did nothing to stop that shooting in Florida! Yet they blame everyone and everything else but themselves for that shooting! Criminals are shaking in their boots at these silly useless new laws against them i’ll bet! WoW!

    1. BRUCE::: The more than 20,000 GUN LAWS ,now on the books ,have NOT reduced crime. WHY??? Because CROOKS,THUGS ,CRIMINALS,ETC. DO NOT obey laws, THEY BREAK’EM
      Is it NOT strange that SUPPOSEDLY intelligent PEOPLE , believe that ONE MORE ANTI-GUN LAW will surely be the answer ?????

  6. Do not trust President Trump or any Republican Politician on gun control!!!!!! They say things to get elected then turn on you! Look at Cornyn,Ernst,Flake, McCain,Scott Rubio,Grassley, and a host of others! All staunch Second-Amendment supporters! We all know the Democrats are crap,but the other ones sneak out on you from behind!

  7. I’m glad that the April Fools’ notice was at the end because I can almost hear some of those things being said by those elected officials.

    Cutting tendons or amputation. Maybe they need their tongues and larynx removed.

    Maybe a test on the Constitution should be required before every election for every voter and candidate?

  8. If this is real it’s horrifying and something I would not put past the liberals. If it’s just a joke, it’s NOT funny!!!
    It’s still something I would not put past the liberals. We don’t need to be giving them ideas.

  9. This crap, and I mean CRAP, is most outlandish and farfetched ideas on gun control that I have ever heard. Are these people on drugs? (They need to be tested) Severing fingers, tattooing fingers, outlawing belt loops; what’s next? These folks have totally lost their minds.
    I agree that we need to protect our children and families, but they are going about it in the incorrect way. The Liberal thinking in rearing children is probably one of the main causes of mental disturbance among our youth today. Children need discipline and not a time out or go sit in the corner; they need their hind-ends spanked. They need to be taught right from wrong and would hurt if they attended church from time to time.
    It is not THE GUN that is at issue, it is people and what they have created. I was brought up in a Christian home, when values were taught, and discipline was a mainstay. We were brought up shooting BB guns and then 22’s, but were also taught to respect firearms of any kind and also wildlife. Don’t just shoot something to be killing it. If you kill it you need to be doing so to eat it.
    Parents need to once again gain control of their children and children need a dad and a mom. School teachers need to be given the ability to discipline students again – and yes, I mean spankings! If you think I am wrong in my thinking, just think back to the time when all this started – it was when liberal thinking began taking it’s hold on child rearing.

    1. Steve,seriously.Would you want these liberal crackpot teachers spanking your kids ? You don’t want them teaching their liberal politics,anti-gun,you can be any gender you like policies do you ? Think about it for a moment.

      1. David,
        Guess you misunderstood what I said. I did not say I wanted liberal teachers teaching children their wacky thinking. I said children need to be brought up (at home and school) as it was it was 50 years ago. Children respected their elders, the Flag, the Country, God, police officers, school teachers, and a host of other things. What I also said was that Liberalism is what has destroyed our children and society in general. And yes, I think about this nearly every day as I watch the news and read on the internet.

  10. The problem facing America and guns is the break up of the family.
    If a child has two parents that do their best to be with them and teach
    morals, most of these issues go away. When I was twelve, I went duck hunting after school on my bike. Enjoyed it, but it was to feed our family. Maybe we give our kids too many things and not enough training such as respecting others. You don’t beat a child, you love them and teach them. Taking the 10 commandments from school and other places was terrible. I mean it teaches thou shall not kill. Lets start there. Seems to make a little sense, rather than cutting a tendon of a finger.

  11. Trump is not as pro 2nd amendment as he was in the campoaign. The said “the 2nd amendment is safe with me” So far he has started a ban on a harmless device(a bump stock) supported raising the age to buy legal firearm to 21(no effect on criminals) and okayed confiscation from “dangerous” persons without due process. Not exactly the defender of the 2nd amendment. In many states even more restrictions are being passed. All this needs to go to court, but the pro firearms people are not organized or well financed and do nat have any champions in the media which is solidly anti gun. R.I.P 2nd amendment. It will stll be there but so many restrictions and bans as to be useless.

    1. Mead,
      A bump stock (or more correctly bump fire stock) is not a “harmless object” once it is installed on a rifle. It converts a perfectly safe rifle into an inaccurate, hard to control device which is only useful for shooting indiscriminately into a crowd. I personally believe that nearly all federal gun control laws are unconstitutional, but this is a law I support.

      1. FYI, any adjustable stock can be made into a “bump fire” stock. So what’s the point? Just more stupid knee-jerk regulations.

      2. Guy Smith – true enough – IF the shooter tries to use it to bump fire. Otherwise it is just IMHO a really ugly stock. Since bump firing is a technique rather than a piece of hardware, it can still be accomplished without that ugly stock. It does not “converts a perfectly safe rifle” – it merely provides a mechanical advantage to the technique. That is why this ‘proposed’ ruling is so dangerous – it is in the same category as banning a certain class of firearms solely because they have ‘scary’ looks.

      3. YEP ::::: YOU’RE one of those GIVE ‘EM AN INCH — you know the rest.
        I only have an 11 room ,2 story house. I guess I could allow some DEAD BEAT THUG to take ,OH—MAYBE a COUPLE OF ROOMS. SURELY he will stop there and NEVER DEMAND more. ——YEAAAAAH!!!! RIGHT.

  12. I’m sorry but this whole article is way too close to the reality of the current over reach going on by the anti gun movement to be the least bit funny..,

  13. Did everyone miss the “April Fool’s Day” comment at the very end? I kept reading this thing saying to myself, no flippin way this can be true…but was still getting pissed off 😉 Had me going for a minute.

  14. Will belt loops be grandfathered in? I often state that just because someone is educated doesn’t mean they have a lick of common sense… America, meet our political law makers..
    Thoroughly enjoyed the spoof LMAO!

  15. Again this is not a gun issue. This is a stated Right in the Bill of Rights. The anti-gun groups all know once the 2nd falls and enough time passes they will get the guns out of our hands or those of our children. They already restrict our 1st A right. I pray you all see that. Homeland security is bending the 4, and 6th A as well.
    They cannot turn America into their version of Socialist Paradise. Lenin would be proud. He sold the soles of his comrades along with their property too. As well as giving That land to the Germans, the Turks and the rest at the tables after WW1 so he could try his “experiment” of no one owning anything. Just Paradise for all!
    Yeah, right! Just spit on the graves of the men and women that fought, died, or lost limbs against commie tyranny.
    Shame on all Congress! You put your hands on the Bible then swore to protect and defend the Consitution.
    If you justify this by telling yourself you don’t believe in God. Well, read the constitution. You will find that too is covered. You need to declare. We all know what needs to be done then. See ya in Nov.

  16. Wow, I thought this is USA, but it starting to sound like a Islamic Caliphate. Cutting tendons, amputating fingers. The Democrats have lost what they had left of their minds.
    Don’t they realize the time and money these Championship quality shooters have spent learning their trade? I am sure they do and don’t care, they only think of themselves. I would like to ask these two idiots Chuckie and Dianne, how many of the few people with “Fast Fingers” have ever been involved in a mass shooting.
    I want to see these two idiots go to a gun range and see just how difficult it is to hit anything by shooting that fast.
    Don’t give up your guns, the Left is becoming Facist Monsters and you may well need them!

  17. Registering fingers and belt loops????
    Has the WHOLE government lost their minds? Are they the ones smoking the bug spray laced pot??? SMH

  18. If you look at that photo you will notice DiFi and that thoroughly evil smirk on her face. She is a total out and out gun grabber. One thing to remember above all, years ago the Supreme Court ruled law enforcement is not there to protect the individual and has no obligation to. Law Enforcement is there to protect the public at alrge from massive disturbances. We are each responsible for our own safety. Never ever vote for anyone that will take your 2nd Amendment Rights away in even the smallest way. Remember those who will give up a little freedom for a little false safety deserve neither freedom nor safety.

  19. I went out and got my finger tatooed as a preemptive action.
    I hope to show it to many liberals to show my willing participation.
    ooops it might not be the right finger. . .

  20. I think the answer to schumer, feinstein, pelosi, bloomberg and the rest of the stupid gun haters is to amputate the tongues, so they can no longer spew their ignorant ideals, on guns and anything else

  21. is this an april fools joke banning fast fingers really. that bitch tries to cut my finger tendon I’ll still have the other ones haven’t they seen that sniper movie oh no I shouldn’t have said that there goes my eyes too, have to teach my seeing eye dog to shoot.

  22. In the January / February issue of American Handgunner, Roy Huntington advocates the use of suspenders. Does he secretly support the ban of Belt Loops or is there a way to use suspenders for fast firing?

  23. I would not put this past the leftist. They have all the compassion of a viper. I don’t even like it as a spoof because it gives those perverts ideas. California seems to clone them.

  24. It time we get real and tell our elected people and let them know that this is just not what we the majority will not stand for this and if they vote for it then we should just vote them out of office!

  25. I wonder if politicians actually listen to themselves or are they really this Fing stupid. Your laws don’t mean a Fing thing and how the F are you going to ban someone using a belt or using their fingers really fast to fire. I suggest you Fing Morons pull your heads out of your anuses. Quit attempting to infringe on God Given Rights before we decide we have had enough and take back this country with force.

  26. Wait, that was an april fools joke? Whew (wipes brow) Nowadays, you read the news, and aren’t surprised at the next round of insanity regarding, gun control, or ANYTHING for that matter. Ya had me for a second there.

  27. I have been sick the last few days and haven’t checked my email. Upon reading the first few paragraphs I told my wife to start packing, because this is no longer America. I was ready to move my wife and kids bush country Northern Alaska. I am glad I finished the article. While I get the unsettling humor of your joke. It was not unbelievable given the things I hear every week from anti-gun/anti-second amendment individuals and groups. Hearing people call me a terrorist for owning firearms or that my children and my wife and I should be killed because we support the Constitution including the second amendment is quite unnerving. So big HAHA! to your joke, but please stick to truth and facts you are good at it.

  28. Trump needs to stand up to all of these A-HOLES. Once again we need to remind these brain dead liberals that every assassin who has shot and killed any prominent leader or politician has been a registered demoncrat going all the way back to Lincoln. That they founded the KKK and were the majority slave owners. What we need is to sever the tendon that is responsible for their fast tongues.

  29. When are they going to honor the Constitution , what part don’t they understand , it says “Shall NOT be infringed upon “. Any law or rule against anybody arming themselves as they see fit is an infringement against your personal rights given by forefathers in the Constitution Of The United States Of America.

  30. This would be funny if it wasn’t so damn close to the truth! Having said that. “I have a finger for them that they can sit on and rotate.” In my humble opinion, Trump needs to step up to the plate and quit talking out of both sides of his mouth. Lets not forget he used to be a democrat! We need to hold his feet to the fire.

  31. DF should place her “Fast Finger” where the Sun Don’t Shine !
    Guns don’t act on their own ! Stop and Frisk was proven to work at removing weapons from those Criminals who would harm those who are too meek to carry or aren’t permitted to carry at all by some arcane “Law abiding lawmakers” who have “Armed Guards ” protecting their worthless hides !
    Stop ! Stop the Bull$**T and correct the problem by bearing down on the Insanity being spewed by the left that’s causing some child-minded mentally unfit person to seek their 15 minutes in the spotlight of the front page of a Loosely identified”Newspaper” as some still call them or on a social media page for “thumbs up”
    Likes because they are socially unfit to interact with Reality and disappointment of any type whatsoever !

  32. I’m tired of all these politicians making up stupid laws to do everything in their power to remove firearms from every civilian. We have the 2nd Amendment that protects us! Even God endowed us with the right to protect our families, and ourselves. If the government did ban all firearms then we have no way to protect ourselves from them. And the is one of the reason we have the 2nd Amendment! Belt loops, amputate trigger fingers…..what a bunch of stupid Bullshit!! That’s going to far!!

  33. About a third of the way into the article, I realized it was an AFP, and started laughing. Sadly, I could see Dumbocrats pushing for some of this without too much effort on my part. Good prank.

  34. So – – now we can have our fingers amputated when we exhibit certain “dangerous” dexterity abilities? Perhaps Menschen Schumer und Feinstein will consent to have their overly aggressive brains removed, for the very same “logical” reasons? Good grief, who’ll we have left to fly our airplanes, as most of us pilots have such dexterity abilities?
    And what on earth is “the Donald” doing even speaking about such nonsense? Slam the door in their faces, Mr. President, as their logic will have the whole constitution shredded in no time.
    BTW, Mr. Trump, it is the presence of armed citizens which inhibits these actions. The FBI even has proof of this fact. The Justice department must sue each and every state which has gun restrictive laws and regulations defying the constitution.
    I, a member of the militia, wish to be “well regulated,” thus having the same armament as does the foot soldier in uniform. (That’s what the second amendment is all about). And perhaps it is time for us militia members to remind the government that rogue behavior will not be permitted. (That also is what the second amendment is all about).

    1. I didn’t read far enough to see the sarcasm. But my response is just as appropriate, as the truths are still truths.
      How do such as Chuckie and Di-di ever make the grade to even run for (need I say, mayor of San Francisco) office? And how do they ever make it through the oath swearing without uproarious laughter, I wonder? Is the whole political structure hooked on Ritalin?

  35. Interesting April Fools Day spoof. Don’t give those striken by the “anti” disease any ideascomes to mind.

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