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Something to Hate and the Great Awakening | Opinion | Salt Lake City

Second Amendment


Sometimes you just feel like breaking stuff, like the windows at the DA’s office. And while you’re at it, might as well throw 30 gallons of red paint on the street—representing the blood of Bernardo Palacios-Carbajal, who was shot dead by police while committing an armed robbery. There’s something here for everyone to hate. Hate the police for killing him. Hate the DA for ruling the shooting justified. Hate the Legislature for passing draconian laws. Hate the demonstrators for their violent behavior. Don’t they know they’re supposed to demonstrate nicely? Hate the society that makes young men think they don’t have much of a future. Hate Trump and the Republicans for giving trillion-dollar tax breaks to the rich, while making education and health care too expensive for the masses. Hate TV and movies and music for making violence cool. Hate the National Rifle Association and the Second Amendment for putting guns in the hands of every fool. Hate Congress for not being able to fix a damned thing. Hate Rush Limbaugh and Tucker Carlson for making people hate people. Hate the Christian Right for making hate a family value. What would Jesus do?

Haters Hate But Not Wilson and the Band
In this country, we fight about everything these days. That’s the sun. You’re a socialist. That’s the moon. You’re a fascist. Well, not Wilson and the guys in the band. They’re done with it and have even gone on an anti-hate strike. Going hate-free is no easy task especially after years of heated discord. And nicotine patches don’t quite get it. But Wilson and the guys are trying a few techniques that sound interesting: Rather than arguing with someone who refuses to wear a mask during this deadly epidemic, they’re just gonna say, “Thank you, brother, for freeing the virus,” and then give the peace sign. Instead of getting into it with a fat guy wearing a MAGA hat and carrying an AR-15, they’ll just starting singing, “Here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson, Jesus loves you more than you will know, wo, wo, wo.” When white people complain that protesters hate America, they’ll say, “Let’s agree to disagree,” and then duck real fast. And when someone says they hate those f—king Democrats because they’re liars and stinkin’ commies, Wilson and the band will say, “You must be having a bad day.” And if that sets them off further, the guys will make this offer: “Hey, dude, we’ve got some great weed. You look like you could use some right now.”

The Great Awakening
It’s time to take care of some grievances. Let’s start with that sonofabitch Columbus who didn’t discover America. He landed in the Bahamas and later visited Cuba and Hispaniola—never even made it to Florida. So, tear down his statue. America is actually named for the Venetian explorer Amerigo Vespucci, who in 1497 discovered present-day Rio de Janeiro. He didn’t make it farther north than Brazil. The bright spot is there are no statues of him to tear down. This country might have been called Leif or Erikson, because it was actually the Viking who discovered North America in about A.D. 985 when he landed at Cape Porcupine in Newfoundland. No statue of him, either. But in Albuquerque, a man was shot recently during a protest to tear down a statue of Juan de Oñate, Spain’s first governor of the New Mexico territory. Among other things, he slaughtered 1,000 Acoma Indigenous people in 1599. So, why did they put up his statue more than 300 years later in the middle of town? White people—what are you gonna do? As for Robert E. Lee, Jefferson Davis and Stonewall Jackson—good riddance! But hold on. For slave owners George Washington and Thomas Jefferson, well, that’s another matter altogether: white privilege.

Postscript—Well, Mouseketeers, that does it for another week here in the No. 1 COVID-19 nation in the world. A lot of countries think we’re crazy, but there is method in our madness—call it population control. See, Sarah Palin, we didn’t need no stinkin’ death panels, we’ll just let Donald Trump work his magic. But let’s not dwell on sickness, death and plague when we could be at Disney World. You’ve got to hand it to Florida—they know how to have a good time. Hold on to your mouse ears for a ride on the COVID Coaster. The seniors down there are digging it, too. They’ve taken up virtual shuffleboard and online canasta. Some assisted living centers have even started betting pools as to who will croak first. Florida Gov. Ron DeSantos says everything is going according to plan and that 15,000 infections per day shouldn’t worry a soul because almost nobody really dies from COVID-19. Think about it, 320 million people and only 135,000 deaths. Your chances of dying are less than base jumping off El Capitan. If that doesn’t make you feel better, what will?

OK, Wilson, get the guys to put down their oxygen masks and take us out with a little something for our troubled nation:

Nothing you can make that can’t be made
No one you can save that can’t be saved
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time
It’s easy

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All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

“All You Need Is Love”—The Beatles



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