Writer: Head of NRA has a pretty ‘great’ job | Letters To Editor

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Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls: welcome to Uncle Sam’s Shootin’ Gallery. Step right up — don’t be shy. The name’s Wayne LaPierre and this here’s my franchise. Let me tell ya, I couldn’t ask for a sweeter gig. Not only that, I own real estate inside pretty much every Republican’s head.

Yessir, they fly me anywhere I want, on private jets, just so I show up to say them Democrats is out to steal your guns. Been holding them off for nigh on 30 years now (just don’t tell nobody they never wanted to take ‘em in the first place; makes me look bad).

So what do ya say, little fella? How’s about plunkin’ down your money for a chance to win this here nifty decal? Oh, and ya automatically get this here slick publication that’s got all kinds of other shysters listed who wants to separate ya from your foldin’ money.

Used to be gun control was hittin’ what you was aiming at. I can see you got a different definition. Where’d you learn to shoot like that? School? Church? One of them militia playgrounds?

Not so fast, pal. It’s gonna cost ya some more. But I’ve got a solution for your problem — I call it the “spray ‘n pray” system. Thousands of fellas swear by it. Just fill the air with lead and sooner or later you’re bound to hit something.

Maybe you’ve heard of my best client — Stephen Paddock. Man, I tell you, he really done me proud. That sweet sound of automatic gunfire, courtesy of my bump stocks, was music to my ears. Even sweeter than that country hoedown that brought everybody to Las Vegas in the first place. Yeah, ol’ Stevie came prepared — fourteen .223-caliber and eight .308-caliber assault-style rifles and a .38 peashooter, just in case. I tell ya, a guy can’t have too many guns.

Oh, and here’s some high-capacity clips, a token of my appreciation for being such a loyal customer. Don’t forget to tell ‘em Wayne sent ya.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Wayne LaPierre is the CEO and executive vice president of the National Rifle Association.

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