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Trying To See: Second Amendment Sanctuary meets Tucker’s toaster | Fenceposts

Second Amendment


For more than a generation, the National Rifle Association and its well-paid elected officials at national and state levels have screeched that “Democrats and Commies are coming to take your guns.” These hyper-ventilations have been useful tools to rally manly patriots and other fearful gun hoarders to the barricades to protect our families against intrusive but normal human projects such as invasion, rape, murder of innocents and the taking of cool souvenirs.

Patriots’ calls to protect our guns are essential to strengthen our combat mindsets against immigrants, declining testosterone levels, homeless strangers and Bill Gates’ micro-chip insertions via covid vaccinations. Flag-draped patriots are particularly concerned about boosting testosterone levels among our current over-supply of sissy men.

Ever more people have come to fear governmental gun-grabbers in the last ten or twelve years. This largely is due to our helpful addiction to social media. You know, like on Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, 4chan and 8chan and other digital dark saviors that have crawled landward from muddy lagoons to make us smarter. Through accessing these platforms, we display our obvious virtue to like-minded souls. We preen, gossip, manipulate and ostracize whenever we wish. Real boosts to our self-esteem.

But back to the significant loss of testosterone among America’s men. Some say it’s our addiction to online porn. Some say it’s a natural evolution of all societies in decline, and which have fallen off the important impregnation cliff. As our former president in Mar-a-Lago likely might say, “I’ve heard many people say it’s the Chinese Jewish George Soros failing New York Times liberal democrat cabal’s satellite lasers that are frying the little pollywogs before they leave the male body to fertilize the female eggs.” He would likely go on to explain how impregnation works.

This could be an important element of his 2024 presidential campaign. He may repeatedly tweet, “Where are the pollywogs? Where are they!! Sad!” He will leave it to Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, Steve Bannon, Alex Jones and other infotainment heroes to elaborate on these important facts and help teach the electorate how pollywogs meet eggs.

Speaking of Tucker Carlson, I heard that he and a guest on his FOX  show have come up with a solution to the testosterone depletion problem among our contingent of boy-men. The solution involves “testicle tanning.” Seriously. No kidding.

Being at first skeptical of this rumor, I googled this particular Tucker episode. Preppy Tucker did seem uncertain at first but, sure enough, he did come around to encouraging his guest’s insights. The Tuck knows the importance of regenerating American men’s pollywog supplies, and this could be an important solution to the problem of our decline. It involves toasting one’s testes with red light. (Maybe the Tuck’s guest meant ultra-violet rays?)

Since the Tuck aired this episode, some other commentators have suggested that he develop new technology to support this project. Absolutely as important as our former President urging people to ingest bleach as a way to cure Covid-19, Carlson’s innovation may include a “Tucker Testicle Tanner,” a clearly labeled two-slot medical toaster. I have heard it is on the way.

Many people think the testicle toaster will be a brilliant product. They suggest that Tucker and Sean Hannity simultaneously insert themselves into one of the two slots, so as to share the reinvigorated pollywog production cycle. It would be sort of sweet, really: bro-nad therapy.

Also, lots of people have been urging that former President Trump and his object of worship, Vladimir Putin, could enjoy sharing a toaster cycle together, too. It might make Trump even more appealing to women than he already is.

Even better, Putin would gain more self-confidence from their mutual encounter with the testicle toaster. Perhaps he would no longer feel his manhood threatened by Ukraine’s freedom. He would suddenly begin to care about not crippling his own country’s economy, and his nation’s nuke force would no longer need to be on hair-trigger alert.

I hear on the street that another innovative Tucker tanning product is under development, but not yet ready to market: the “Tucker Testicle Tanning Crotch Pot.” Hard to envision this, but I think it will look sort of like your kitchen’s slow cooker appliance.

Oh, I forgot to mention that in next month’s primary election, Tillamook County folks will have the chance to vote on Measure 29-161, which if passed will prohibit our county sheriff’s deputies from enforcing those dictatorial state and federal fire arm laws and regulations. If deputies try to enforce them, the ordinance (Measure 29-161)says they “…shall be liable to the injured party in an action at law.” In defense of our liberty Tillamook County will be eager to defend itself repeatedly in court.

Democrats and Commies have taken away enough of our freedoms, and we need even more potent firepower and more sheriff’s deputies who will violate their constitutional oaths and look the other way. Clearly, sponsors of this proposed ordinance do not need Tucker’s toaster. Their little pollywogs are already on the march.

If you vote in support of Measure 29-161, when mass shootings finally do come to Tillamook County, you will be grateful for your bump stocks, ghost guns, high-capacity mags and other essentials. More firearms and bigger, better male pollywogs will always keep us safe here in the land of the free and the home of the brave.



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